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'Almost all?' gasped Mungo Madoc. 'There's more?'
'Almost all, Mungo.' Jesus replied. 'Does anybody know who's missing?' Faces were
universally vacant. 'Oh come on,' Jesus urged. 'Surely you've been following the
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sub-plot? No?' He looked imploringly out from the book. 'Shall we tell them, readers?'
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'Well, I'm going to tell them anyway.' Jesus took out a remote control from the waistcoat
pocket of his Heavenly three-piece, aimed it at the ceiling, mid point of the erotic columns
(which had now, unaccountably, toned down their dirty doings and were all hearts and
flowers), pressed a button and stood back.
'And tonight's star guest. Mr Mystery himself. Come on down.'
An ethereal Hammond organ, of a generation now mercifully gone to dust, made with the
showtime fan-fares. Lights flashed. The special star buzzer buzzed and a section of ceiling
drifted down. Bearing upon it the famous Mastermind chair. Perched upon this and making
with the Royal hand waves sat ...
'Jspht, said Fergus Shaman. 'Jovil Jspht.'
'Fergus, said Jovil. 'This is a surprise.'
'Mr Shaman to you. But how? What? You can't be here. You're back in 1958. How can you?
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear . . .'
Jovil held up his waving hand. 'All in good time,' he checked his watch. 'Now I think I'm right
in supposing that. . .'
A station menial of deathly aspect burst into the board-room of Earthers Inc. 'Mr Madoc,' he
wailed. 'Mr Madoc, the virus, the virus. It has caught us up . . .' He might have had more to
say, but he didn't get the chance. He was trampled to oblivion beneath the mad lemming
dash for the window.
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'And so it's good night to all our viewers on Phnaargos, said Jovil. 'You won't forget to turn
off your sets now, will you?'
'You haven't, gasped Fergus.
'Have too. The Earthers just went off the air,
'God's nose, Fergus slumped into the nearest seat.
'Get off, Gloria protested.
'I'm sorry to show my ignorance, said Rex. 'But should I know this person?'
That's the alien who jumped me back in fifty-eight.' Elvis gestured with his weapons. 'I nearly
cashed in my chips at the Bates Motel because of him. Luckily Barry threw in his lot with me
and hauled me out in the nick of time.'
'Then how can he?'
'Honestly, Rex, Jesus smiled again. Rex felt new hair sprouting on his head. 'You really
should have reasoned it out by now,
'I should?'
'It's all right there in your pocket,
'It is?' Rex patted at his multiple pocketry. One bulged. He unzipped it. 'The Book,' he said,
recalling, as will the reader, that he had left it behind, hidden in his apartment. 'The Suburban
Book of the Dead.'
'I've been here all along in the sub-plot, just like the Good Lord told you, Jovil said. 'I got
marooned back in fifty-eight. But I could hardly die there, could I? I hadn't even been born
yet, back then, Heads nodded thoughtfully. Thoughts nodded doubtfully. 'So with my
advanced knowledge I built an empire. And with more than a little Divine guidance pieced a
certain thing together. And I was in on the genesis of this place. My money built it. I designed
the MOTHER computer, the lot. I went completely underground when the big bang came
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in 1999. The Phnaargs never knew it but I was the virus in their system. By sending me back
in time they had poisoned their own storage beds. I never killed that operative, the system
did it. As I moved forward in time, changing the past, the cells mutated. Now I am here, and
so their whole system has collapsed, bio-feedback.'
'So where have you been for the last fifty years?' Rex asked.
'Up there, sitting in cryogenic suspension. We Phnaargs are of vegetable origin, you know.
I've been in cold storage. Just waiting for the big day to thaw out.'
'Big day?' Rex gazed down at his battered book.
'Sure, when the big secret would be disclosed. You've read the book, what do you think it
is?'
'I've tried to read it. But from what I can gather it all seems to be some kind of quest. A
search for something which was never found.'
'He found it.' Jovil pointed towards Dan, who was seeking invisibility with no apparent
success.
'Oh, I'm in this again, am I?' croaked the stinker. 'And what did I find, pray tell me, do?'
'It's all in Rex's book. The book you killed his uncle to get your hands on. The location of the
K carbon con-taining the Ultimate Secret of the Universe.' (What else? Rex thought.) 'It was
the last item checked in by the Department Of Antiquities. After you had it you closed down
the commission. So why didn't you use it?'
'Sorry to disappoint you, but I closed the commission down because they were all on the
fiddle. Of Universal Secrets my cupboard is bare.'
All faces now turned back to Jovil Jspht.
'I think not.' Jovil sprang from his chair like the legendary sleuth of old, plunged across the
room and drew the SUN recording from the holophon.
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'Hey, shit, said Elvis, as the thing passed him by at dose quarters, 'that looks like one of
mine.'
'And a load of old brain damage it is too. Remember my eyeballs, Gloria?'
Tm not speaking to you,' that lady replied. 'You're not nice.'
-'Well, whacky stuff it may be. But Secret of the Universe it ain't.'
'Oh no? Well that's where you're wrong, schmucko.' Jovil turned the plasticized disc betwen
his fingers. 'Because you have been playing the wrong side.' Great roars of applause from
the bunker-bound. . 'Foiled again.' Dan struck his fist into his palm and made with the
melodrama. 'Do leave me out. Secret of the Universe, if you please.' The only person
looking in his direction was Ms Vrillium. 'I ask you,' said Dan.
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