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"Albania," Ian repeated, shaking his head, bumming a flask from Richard. He headed aft
to hide out when the shift hit.
Ian sat alone in the command bay as the others slept, and for a brief moment he was able
to enjoy the total solitude that being the only one awake could bring. After nearly five months
of voyaging together, each had learned the patterns of behavior that would generate the
least amount of friction. Ian found that reversing his circadian cycle gave him the
chance to quietly hide in his work when most of the others were asleep. As the
Discovery soared across the vastness of empty space, Ian would spend hours in Stasz's
couch contemplating the Doppler-distorted images or prowling through the vast
accumulation of data stored in the ship's memory. And Ian finally realized that he was
actually happy. In spite of the fears that still haunted him, he was enjoying himself,
perhaps for the first time in his life.
First of all the vast and varied responsibilities of Earth . were gone. All concern about
rent, budgets, department meetings, and reviews by the Chancellor had vanished. Ian
actually felt healthier, and he had to confess that Ellen's food, even when spiced with her
occasional vitriolic tirades, was far better than his bachelor monstrosities. There was
something far deeper, as well. For the first time in his life he felt as if he were doing
something important, not just dreaming about the lives of others long dead. The sense
of accomplishment was almost worth the bouts of terror that still assailed him. He
found that he was actually learning to manage the nagging self-doubts when he had to
make a decision that could be crucial to his survival, let alone the survival of others.
One self-generated disturbance, however, did give him pause for concern. He was
experiencing an increasing number of fantasies about Shelley. She had somehow
changed. When they had departed, she was still the kid who was playing at being the
grownup housekeeper and guardian for a beloved uncle or older neighbor. Ever since the
burning he had received from the Governor's daughter, Ian had sworn off females in
general and young ones in particular. As a college professor he mainly associated with
kids twenty years his junior, and he had learned long ago that they were a quick and easy
way to a tribunal hearing on a morals charge.
But five months of close proximity was getting a little too much to deal with. He knew
that Stasz had absolutely no interest in Ellen's designs but was turning his attention toward
Shelley, as well. But the few grab passes offered by the pilot had all resulted in cracked
knuckles. So that possibility was out.
At times he thought Shelley was making a direct pass at him, and then again there were
times when she seemed just a slightly gawky grad assistant who was trying to be helpful. But
more and more of late, he found himself contemplating the tight slacks that Shelley had
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taken to wearing, and the press of her body against his when they were hovered over the
computer display...
"Mind if I join you?"
Ian awoke from his reverie to find Ellen standing in the doorway. "Ahh, sure. Thought
you'd be asleep."
"Felt like taking a midnight stroll." She chuckled softly. Coming forward, she slipped into
the Co seat next to Ian.
"You look rather pensive."
"Oh, just watching the show pass by."
"It's rather frightening at times," Ellen said softly.
"How so?"
"Come on, Ian. In my book, you were the original coward. I thought you would still be
quaking at the prospects of this voyage."
He didn't take offense at her statement. And rather than ducking it, he had a strange
compulsion to talk it out. "First of all, I did feel terror, cold stark terror, when I finally
started to realize what this voyage was. I can almost understand how medieval man was
stunned and terrified by Copernicus. Before him the world was small, safe, the center of
God's will. After Copernicus eternity stretched out before us and such a thing was beyond
our ability to grasp, thus the blind terror of it all.
"When I realized just how far we would travel, just how far away from Earth we were
going, how far we were traveling from that damn little campus, I was struck with fear. The
thought of this frail, delicate body hurtling at jump speed for trillions of miles was beyond
my ability to deal with on a rational basis. I tried to soothe myself with the thought of the
romance of it, but that's a bunch of shit. There isn't any romance, there never is any ro-
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