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hold him. It must have been killing him to do it, to stroke his hair and
try to comfort him. Why the hell didn’t Lars just let him go? Unless
he’s trying to accept it. Unless he wants to hold on. Unless he isn’t
giving up on you. Danny dismissed the thought as soon as it hit him.
Lars was a shrink, he reminded himself. He had a lot of experience
trying to calm down screwed up people. It was in his nature.
“I guess you and your mom don’t get along very well?” Lars
asked.
Danny blew out a breath. His face was hot, his throat constricted.
“She doesn’t really talk to me. She was there when it happened. I
don’t think she likes to remember.”
Danny in the Dark
77
Lars didn’t say a word, but Danny could feel the anger rising from
him. “And your dad?”
“He hates me. Since I was a kid, everything I’ve ever done, no
matter how hard I tried…it’s like I can’t make up for it. It was always
there, and he was always there to remind me of what I did. To keep
me from getting out of control. To keep me from shifting. To keep me
from thinking it’s okay. Even now, I still feel that way sometimes.”
He couldn’t take it anymore. “I hate the way he made me feel, but
there’s still a part of me that knows he’s right. I mean, after what I
did…can you blame him?”
Finally, Danny dragged his eyes up to meet Lars’s. His heart
stilled when he saw the look there.
“Yes,” Lars said, “I can.”
There was no disgust in Lars’s gaze. If he was angry, it wasn’t at
Danny. Lars’s brown eyes surveyed him, open and concerned and
trusting.
“You said it yourself. It was an accident. You weren’t even old
enough to know what you were doing. I don’t doubt that what
happened was hard for them, but I can’t imagine what that must have
been like for you. Because not only did you have to live with that
guilt, but you had to do it alone. Your parents should have tried to
help you deal with that guilt, not encourage it.”
“But what I did—”
“What you did you weren’t old enough to take responsibility for.
What your parents did, pushing you away and blaming you for what
happened, they did as adults.”
“Is that the only reason you’re angry? You don’t think it’s fucked
up or wrong or—”
He could go on, but he didn’t have to. Lars was already shaking
his head no. Danny breathed out a long, held breath, and relief washed
over him.
He didn’t remember much about his brother, but it was as if he
had carried him inside of him his entire life. Even as a kid, he had felt
78
Ellen Ginsberg
it, an absence like a ghost living inside him. He was in his thoughts.
He showed up in his dreams, but he realized now that he didn’t know
what he was like at all. That vengeful, bitter thing he imagined had
nothing to do with his brother.
He had lost Thomas and the memory of him long ago. What
remained now was nothing but a warped distortion, formed from his
own guilt and regret. He thought he had let Lars in, but he hadn’t. He
was still defending that empty space inside him because he thought he
had to. It was his responsibility, his punishment, his fault. He had
lived with that emptiness all his life because he didn’t think he
deserved to let it go.
But things were different now. He didn’t want to forget his
brother, whatever memory remained of him, but he did want to get rid
of the awful pain his memory evoked. He wanted to believe that he
was good, that he deserved good things. That he deserved Lars.
Taking a breath, he said the words he’d already thought to himself
so many times before, the words that invaded his mind every time he
looked at his mate.
“I love you,” he said shyly. He squeezed Lars’s hand.
Lars’s lip curled as he looked down at him. “Say again?”
“I love you,” Danny said, and he smiled.
He would say it a thousand times if he had to. He wasn’t afraid
anymore.
* * * *
Lars’s eyes were open, but he couldn’t see a thing. Whatever was
surrounding him, it was cold and dark. Nothingness, he thought, but
then he corrected himself, feeling a solid surface under his feet. He
was standing on something, but it seemed to be all that existed, just a
vast expanse of nothing above the long, flat surface.
Not a surface. A plane.
Danny in the Dark
79
His breath quickened at the thought, and he shook his head to
dismiss it. If this was Morgana, he could see why his parents escaped.
What he couldn’t see, however, was why they would ever want to
come back. If he had to live in this terrible place, he couldn’t imagine
what sort of person he would become.
No sound echoed beneath his feet as he took a few steps in one
direction. Then a few steps back. He turned, unsure which direction
he’d headed in the first place.
Where the fuck was he?
A dream. This has to be a dream.
But if this was a dream, that meant Danny was here, waiting in the
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