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remember it being so cold that my tears seemed to freeze on my
face.
Somehow I made it back to the orphanage. I had hypothermia
and was delirious. After seeing my injuries the Sisters took me back
into their fold. It was a different time then. This wasn t reported.
The Reys came looking for me all concerned and worried. Richie
had told them he wanted me to do the dinner dishes but I pulled a
tantrum and ran away. When I showed up back at the orphanage I
didn t have to say a damned thing. The Sisters knew what
happened. They had seen my type of injuries before. They were like
border collies protecting their precious wounded little lamb and
drove the confused clueless Reys off.
When I recovered from the worst of my injuries I wasn t
trotted out for the adoption parade anymore.
But did I recover?
It was unimaginable cruelty to give someone a glimpse of
everything they were missing in their life, everything they dreamed
of, then take it away. It taught me that yearning for what you
wanted got you hurt beyond anything I could have imagined before
that night.
This was when a new harder shell began to form around my
heart and emotions. Internally I didn t feel like me anymore. I
showed the Sisters what they wanted to see, what made them
comfortable caring for me. I didn t want them to worry any more
than they needed to. But inside, I was disconnected.
Tre-don was wrapping around me like an insulation blanket. It
was as if Richie had pulled a plug out of a socket. I was in the dark
but it was comforting because in the dark I could be however I
wanted to be and right then, I wanted to be alone.
I dropped that string of light, the string that showed what I lost
that night. It wasn t Naomi and Frank s fault. It wasn t my fault. I
was just a kid. I was happy to be part of a family even if it was only
three months.
Another string tangled in my fingers. I coaxed it to me.
A happy memory in its own way&
It was a repeat of upstairs in Henry s bedroom. A younger me,
not yet filled out, eighteen years old but still growing so I was all
gangly limbs. The Sisters had done their best but I always had a
continuous gnawing in my belly as my arms and legs begged to
grow.
232
Derekica Snake
Henry asked for so little as he fed my appetites, all my
appetites. It had been common sense to reject Eldon s proposal
when he showed up on my street corner that cold winter night.
Who the hell knew what was going on? For all I knew this
mysterious benefactor was going to make a snuff film with me in
the staring role. Safer to just say no thanks to an offer that seemed
too good to be true even when it meant the difference between
warmth and a freezing night wind that cut like a knife.
But when I did agree Henry never treated me like I was
something less than a partner. I d seen how he treated hustlers he
didn t plan on seeing again. He never treated me with that disregard.
I think it was the level of respect that made me fall hard for him.
Even though I had sex with men for money when I came to live
with him he never treated me as a lowly whore. He took me to his
bed, with Eldon s participation, but he also took me to special
events, galas, black tie balls, fancy restaurants, premiers and
conferences, just him and me. I was given a go-pher job so I had
something to do during the day. I know Eldon was surprised that
Henry had me working for him.
I learned that the pretty boys Eldon got for Henry usually only
lasted a few days. They usually were given a wad of cash and driven
to the hospital or set back on their corner. None got real jobs.
None of those boys got to eat at Henry s table. None of them got
to sleep in Henry s bed; no sex, just sleep. Henry evened out my
life. I knew what was expected of me and the schedule never
changed. Until then I didn t know I liked predictability. I guess
when you didn t get it in your life, if it finally became the norm,
order was a nice change of pace. I was truly happy then.
My spectral self frowned. Henry truly loved me then, didn t
he?
If you love someone let them go... When I showed an
aptitude for computers, Henry got me ready to take my SATS and
to get through the interview at MIT.
I took that effort on Henry s part as rejection and betrayal.
Because I was too young and stupid to just talk to him about my
feelings I embarked on a path of destruction of our relationship just
to show him I didn t care. That he didn t have the power to hurt
me.
If they truly love you they will come back... I came back
from school with Olga in tow.
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My Hostage My Love
If they don t, you go out and hunt them down and make them
come back. Henry never let on how much it hurt, or even if my
petty attempt at rubbing a womb and breasts in his face rated
anything like the betrayal I felt when he sent me away.
I had been happy here. This Tudor monstrosity that I called
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